I stared at the door for a long time, buying some time for myself and even then considering whether I should do it or not. I felt as if my body’s weight lay on my feet. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my hand and knock on the door.
Faintly, I can hear voices inside. His. My heart skipped a beat upon hearing his voice. It sounded like an old song heard after many years. All the nostalgia in my heart surfaced like it has been waiting to be awakened all this time. His voice sounded too familiar. Like it was my own.
But that’s just it. It never was. None of it ever was. And so I held back a tear and willed myself to turn around. It took all my energy to come this far, only to realize at the last minute that it would’ve been worthless either way.
I took a step forward. And another one. And another one. I didn’t bother to look around. Afraid that it will all start again. Because when I do, I know it will.
When you realize that the only thing you need to be free is the same thing stopping you from doing things, it gets so confusing that the seemingly safest thing to do is go inside a box and hide and forget about it all. Until everything eventually, completely goes away, and it’s not confusing anymore.
And you think by the time you’re ready to come out, there will be more choices for you to make–better choices. But then you find out that no one ever waited for you, and now you’re not confused. Just alone.
(original post date: May 2, 2010)