How to be a bad writer

First of all, disregard the rules entirely. And always remember that you are above everything else that you have learned and known. Convince yourself that you are a good writer, probably better than anyone else who claims the same thing. Being polite? No need. Forget about being politically correct and socially aware.

Remember the things that other people are always careful writing about—gender biases, racial discrimination, science and faith, religion and morality—focus your attention on writing about these topics. Research as seldom as possible especially about topics that deal with hard facts. Always be subjective, only your own opinion is important anyway. Screw people who comment and don’t like what you post. They may know more about writing and are probably more experienced than you are, but you have already established that you are above everything else; whether they know more is irrelevant. When you apply for a writing job, demand for a salary much higher than the initial offer. Don’t be open for negotiation.

Laugh at other people and their opinion on issues that matter. Make sure to make your argument as vague as possible when starting a fight, especially if you do it online. No one exerts enough effort to be articulate when ranting online anyway, why should you?

Rant on Facebook about the stupidest thing that happened to you today. Your Jamba Juice spilled on your favorite skirt? Fuck them, your day is ruined and you’re going to let the whole world know. You feel fat and ugly? Everyone should be infected with your low self-esteem; find someone who you think is fatter and uglier and tell her so. Remember to laugh when they think you’re joking.

Ignore critiques. Be as loud as you possibly can. Don’t even think what you choose to post online. Don’t filter what you say. WRITE IN ALL CAPS. Or LiKe ThIs, iT’S mOrE aNnOyIng.

Lastly, forget making sense. Evade substance. It’s what other writers are most concerned about—go the other way. Other writers are resigned to the fact that they can never learn enough, and must spend their lives on becoming better—decide that it’s too tiresome to keep learning. Be content on what you know and let your brain rot.

Find people who think and speak and act like you and believe that you’re all God’s gift to mankind.

How to be a good writer? Think. Think again. Then think some more.

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