My Great Perhaps

I’m always going away. Lately I feel like I’m always leaving something behind. Whether it’s people, memories, places, the horrid past, regrets or the thought of yesterdays and unrealized dreams. The worst part is that I’ve left these without even knowing I was going to leave them.

Anecdotes always tell you that whatever you leave behind couldn’t possibly be greater than what lies beyond and waiting for you. The Great Perhaps, says Francois and Pudge.

But no one tells you what to do between leaving the past and arriving at your next destination. I’m floating somewhere in between the past, present, and future. I cannot give anyone a straight answer because I don’t have one. I don’t know what will happen to me in the next few months or where I will find myself or who I will be with. I’m turning 25 in five days but there will be no big memorial to the Silver Year. I do want to celebrate with people, but I’m not exactly sure what to celebrate about. I’m not really big on birthdays to start with. I didn’t even celebrate my 18th birthday properly. I wore a white shirt and jeans, much to my mother’s dismay with her only daughter.

But it’s not really about celebrating my birthday per se, is it? It’s getting a year older and wondering what I learned the past year, or if there is any at all. I always feel like I lack something; that I’m in search for something that is so elusive, even I don’t know what it is. All I know is that I have to find it and I need to feel it. Is it courage? It is that raw and unparalleled drive to just go for it (whatever IT is)? Or maybe I don’t even have a dream. With everything I blabber about, what is it that I really want to do?

Write? I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It’s like being in a ten-year relationship with the same person. Most of the time it’s okay because it’s familiar and comfortable, but sometimes I just feel smothered by the mere thought of it and I just want to get the fuck away.

Teaching? I cannot get over my ideals when it comes to education and I despise the politics. I’ve tried teaching in high school and in elementary. Both times, the educational system disappointed me. Sometimes I think that I care too much that it bothers me. Sometimes I think I don’t care enough to want to teach at all. Until I learn how to acquire the exact amount of care needed in teaching, it will only ever be a dream.

What else am I equipped to do? I don’t know. I really don’t.

Maybe what really gets me these days is not that I’m always going away and leaving things behind. It’s that I don’t know what I’m leaving these things for. I don’t have a purpose. And it sucks not having a purpose.

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