1. The unwritten rule of celebrating every month you stayed together, even if you have been together for years. All I know is there are only 12 months in a year, and counting your 120th month together sounds silly. Anniversaries are great for couples. Years exist for a reason. You don’t count the months you have known other people—friends, colleagues, sworn enemies. You don’t even count the years. I’d rather remember—not count—the adventures I’ve had with people, the drunken singing, the laughing-until-we-cried moments, all the epic mornings after and such.
2. The mind-numbing chore of constantly talking to each other 24/7 for the rest of your lives. I think it’s fine to do 24/7 conversations at the beginning of a relationship. It’s understandable—you want to get to know each other more, the other person’s entirety intrigues and overwhelms you and you just can’t get enough of them. But it gets old. And eventually, you find yourself in a monotonous exchange of your lives’ details—
9:00 AM: I’m walking to the office.
9:10 AM: Still walking. God, I’m tired.
11:30 AM: I think I ate something bad today. I farted like seventeen times this morning.
12:15 PM: My head hurts like hell.
12:30 PM: What did you eat for lunch? I had tuna.
4:30 PM: I’m home.
7:00 PM: So what did you do all day?
You won’t realize how it starts, but you will begin to do it out of habit and a sense of obligation rather than the sheer pleasure of talking to your partner. I’m all for deep, meaningful conversations and stupid, useless, and funny exchanges. Those are fun! But not fun to have every waking hour. Seriously, I’m still the same person I was two hours ago during our last conversation. And I’m still doing okay from the last time you checked twenty minutes ago. And no, I don’t want to keep saying “I love you” just so you can feel secure about the relationship.
3. Asking for permission to do something—Every. Single. Time. This annoyance is based on the presumption that when you got into a relationship, you were both mature adults who don’t need a babysitter. Letting your partner know what you’re up to and asking for permission are two different things. Caring for someone and pointlessly forbidding them to do something are also different. I hate it when someone establishes dominance and veils it thinly with false caring. You can respect each other’s differences and show that you care without undermining your partner’s decisions. That’s for people who have their heads up their asses.
4. The notion that one or the other has to take control of the relationship. It’s either you’re the passive one or the more dominant. I personally think that’s a load of horse shit. Two adults with functioning brains should not take a long time figuring out who gets to run the relationship. Both should.
5. Others’ belief that they need to be in a relationship before they can feel complete or decide to transform their lives, (e.g. be a more responsible adult, drink less alcohol, be more career-driven, finally start to follow that dream). If that’s the case, you don’t need a partner. You need a career counselor. Or a babysitter.
6. Hackneyed terms of endearment. Good Lord. If someone calls me Sweetie one more time, I will flip. There are already millions of existing Babes, Sweetie-pies, Darlings and Sweethearts all around the world. I don’t want to be known as one. What I like are unique nicknames that make sense only to the two of you.
These are the reasons why I’m not in a relationship. These are all I see everywhere. Clearly not what I want. Plus, the men I keep meeting are either obnoxious pigs who are motivated by ego and driven by base physical needs, or insecure babies who are easily intimidated and need constant reassurance that they’re doing the right thing.
Let me be clear—it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. It’s that I want to start something meaningful with someone special and not just merely follow what society dictates as a normal, standard, relationship.