Light Years

I don’t believe in people’s idea of Heaven
Of infinite stretches of clouds
and blinding white light
Of us turning into wisps of smoke

But I believe in black holes
Of its massive presence
And ability to suck everything in
I’d much rather think that you are in it
Transported in another universe

Still human enough to remain as matter than spirit
still heavy enough to weigh our hearts down and own it
Still magic enough to not be gone completely

And I still hear you in other people’s laughter
Sometimes in my own darkness, I look for you
But I find you in the kindness of strangers
And I find you in places you’ve never been to

So maybe, if you are in another universe
And in the future, if I’m really lucky
That’s also where you’ll find me

Advertisements

Night

The nights are endless at two in the morning
There is no party for sad people here
We just stare at the ceiling hoping somehow it would cave in
And with it all the thoughts of great loves we’ve lost

The nights are endless at three in the morning
The sad people are here to stay
Hide and seek is our favorite game to play
And we hide behind Fear to keep others away

The nights are endless at four in the morning
We need to go home soon but we can’t
Daybreak doesn’t visit us often so we stay in the dark
And we learn to love it just like our lost hearts

The nights are endless at five in the morning
No one comes for the sad people here
No one knows we’re here anyway
No one cares if we’re here to stay

Like Klimt

Many will try and save your heart
Like surgeons on operating tables
Will take note of your sadness
Like shrinks in tiny offices
Will attempt to predict your impulses
Like weathermen on television
Will try to transform you into a masterpiece
Like Klimt after a long interruption

Tell them that you don’t need any of it
That bleeding is a sign that you’re alive
That your eyes eventually adjust in the dark
But you never go blind
That hurricanes only get stronger
As they move along
And that you’ve gathered enough sunlight in your hands
To turn anything into gold

Simula

Ngayong gabi, nakasilip ang mga tala at nakatingin sayo, marahil nag-iisip kung paanong may tumalo sa pagningning nila at heto–

Nakatingin din ako sa mga mata mo, at ikaw sa akin, binibilang ang bawat segundong paparating sa sandaling alam natin at matagal hinintay.

Hintay, wag tayong magmadali. Pabagalin natin ang bawat minuto, kung maaari nga’y habambuhay akong mananatili rito na ikaw lang ang kayakap.

Yakap, mahal. At kumapit nang mahigpit. Malamig ang hangin pero iinit ang gabi sa pagsiklab ng bawat tinginan nating tayo lang ang nakakaalam ng ibig sabihin. Halika, ibulong mo sa akin kung paano mo gustong magsimula.

Hindi natin sasabihin sa kanila, sikreto lang natin to. Ang bawat haplos, bawat pagtuklas sa bago kong paboritong parte ng katawan mo. Bawat paglapat ng balat natin na walang iiwanang puwang para sa kaba. Bawat panandaliang pagbitiw para lang huminga. Bawat bulong na may kasamang pag-ngiti na kahit nakapikit nadarama.

Nararamdaman mo ba? Buong-buo akong sumusuko sa’yo. Lahat ng ingay sa utak ko nilunod na ng bumibilis na pintig ng puso. Handa na akong mahulog paulit-ulit kung ikaw ang sasalo. At handa rin akong tanggapin ang kabuuan mo. Saksi ang mga bituin sa kalangitang nakapaloob sa sarili nating mundo.

Ang mga kamay mo, labi, buhok na magulo at nakahalik sa unan simula pa kanina–binubuo nila ang mundo ko. Wala akong maramdamang iba kundi ligaya. At habang nakapulupot sa isa’t isa–mula katawan hanggang kaluluwa–susubukin nating alamin kung kayang lumikha ng panibagong konstelasyon sa kalawakang binubuo lang nating dalawa. Balewala kung nasaan tayo at ang maliit na espasyong nagbubukod sa atin mula sa napakalaking karagatan ng ibang tao.

At sa wakas nakarating din tayo. Ngayon. Dito.

Ngayong gabi, ililigtas natin ang isa’t isa mula sa kawalan. Tayo ang gagawa ng sarili nating tadhana. At sasabog ang mga tala sa paghabol sa liwanag na tayo lang ang may dala.

Kapit. Nakawala na tayo sa gapos ng pag-aalinlangan. Hindi na tayo hawak ng takot. Dahil ngayong gabi, nakasilip ang mga tala at nakatingin sa atin, naiinggit kung paanong ang pagsasama natin ay tumalo sa kanilang pagningning.

Floating down a river named Emotion

Song playing in the background: Aqueous Transmission by Incubus

Is it possible to feel everything in slow motion and sped up at the same time? I feel like that is exactly what is happening in my life right now. Maybe I still haven’t adjusted to everything. Maybe I never will.

There is this gnawing fear every time I face new people that a piece of me chips away. I do not crave it, but I know that I need to keep doing it, keep going up the stage. But there are days like this when I don’t seem to recognize myself anymore; when I think that there’s a possibility that I might not be real. That I am just an embodiment of other people’s regrets, heartaches, and disappointments rolled into a twenty-something body with a curious eye and messy, multi-colored hair. That my thoughts aren’t my own thoughts anymore, but other people’s doubts singing me to sleep.

So what do I do? I self-check. I disconnect. I commit social network suicide. Sometimes these work. But today, it’s not enough.