Wonder

So you go to parties and gigs with your friends. You welcome the crowded spaces you pretend don’t remind you of the walls in your world that are closing in.

You look at your friends warmly by way of saying that they are more than enough. They will always be more than enough—but you won’t ever be, at least not to yourself, and that is the danger in the first place.

You struggle to tell a friend you want to disappear again and it feels as uncomfortable as small talk with strangers. Every word you hold back is a pebble that you try to swallow.

And you wonder how that started.

And slowly, you edge away from the crowd, from the conversation, from the ones you love.

You drink the cheap beer handed to you, or the overpriced cocktail you bought to indulge yourself. It doesn’t really make a difference, as long as you feel numb for the next few hours. Slouched in the dark corners of the bar. Making yourself smaller, a fake smile plastered on your face, pretending all of it makes you happy.

You hum along with the band. They sing your truths, and sometimes that’s all it takes not to fall apart. How your insides stay intact, even with the cracks on your skin glowing in the harsh red lights.

And you wonder how you could still feel hollowed out.

The close proximity of strangers to you makes you think you are not alone, but you always go home by yourself anyway. At 3am. And the bus ride home always reminds you of the speed with which your life is spiraling down.

And you wonder what all that rushing is even about.

And in the morning, you feel empty.  You don’t remember any of the conversations you had last night, because none of them mattered. None of them scratched the surface and all you ever said were variations of,

“Yeah, totally.”
“Good to see you, too!”
“I’ll talk to you later. I’m just gonna say hi to someone.”

You keep staring at the ceiling past midday, recalling what you’d done wrong. Maybe you didn’t sing loud enough. Or you laughed too hard at that one joke the tears that came out were not of joy.

And you wonder why you went in the first place. And you keep on wondering.

But you do it all again next weekend. The dance, the six bottles of light beer, the pretense. Because it might not feel enough, but sometimes–the lights, the music, and an endless Saturday night–it’s exactly the pull that you need. The one pill short of an overdose. The one cut away from bleeding to death. The mouthful of water that didn’t drown your lungs.

Saturday is that one step backward from the speeding truck on the highway.

Turning

Tonight, the only thing between us is this music. The slow beat, the low humming, our feet moving in sync. There is nothing else here, no inhibitions, no fear, no second-guessing. We’ve already decided this.

And with one look, an invitation. Your eyes blur the sea of faces all around us. It was never a question.

I have always been drawn to you.

Always been drawn to how you turn on every light in me, how we clutch at each other’s smiles with our eyes, and how my mind rapidly declines reason here in our little world inside the spotlight. I’ve never wanted you more until this instance. But for now, all we have is this dance.

Tonight, the music is our compass. And it steers us closer towards each other. See, we’ve been lost before, sent off course by past lovers’ noise, pulled from all directions by misguided hands which only ended up hurting us.

We’ve run back and forth trying to find the right path to choose, tripped over countless mistakes, been caught up in an endless game of pursuit that left us winded, our lungs gasping for something more than air to keep us breathing.

But in this moment, with your hands on my waist, as our souls’ orbits entwine, slowing time, slowing everything in sight, I finally figured it out. Every movement our bodies make unfolds another layer of understanding, of “I knew it would happen.” Every eye contact is heavy with meaning, sweeter and more sincere than any form of love letter.

And as we dance, I know I’m not lost anymore. And you can call even the shortest strands of my hair home, you don’t have to worry anymore. With all my wrong turns and dead ends, I’ve been moving in your direction, led by music only our hearts know the beat to.

And this song only we could hear, could play on forever, and the world can keep on turning. But I’ll never be off track again. Because I finally know what all that running was worth—finding you, finding my true north.

Alaala

Naaalala mo ba? Yung unang beses na sinabi mong mahal mo ako, kinakabahan tayo pareho. Di mapakali sa pagkakaupo. Dun nagsimula ang ating kwento. Pero simula din ‘yon ng pareho nating pagkatalo.

Dahil dadating yung araw na hindi ko na malalaman ang pagkakaiba ng “mahal kita” sa “sino ka?”

Maguumpisa sa maliliit na bagay ang ating pagkasira. Yung hindi natin mamamalayan. Yung matatawa pa tayo dahil nakalimutan kong Lunes ngayon at akala ko Sabado. Yung mapapailing ka na lang sabay ngingiti kapag napagtanto mong imbes na asukal, asin ang nailagay ko sa kape mo.

Magtatawanan tayo, aakalaing ito yung tipo ng mga kwento na iniipon at ibabahagi balang araw sa ating magiging apo. Hindi mamamalayang unti-unti nang gumuguho ang mundong kay tagal natin binuo.

Bukas, hindi ko na maaalala yung huling limang paskong magkasama tayo. Sa makalawa, susunod na mawawala yung mga gabing wala tayong ginawa kundi tumawa at kumanta. Sa isang linggo, titingin ako sayo na walang bakas ng pagkilala kung anong pangalan mo.

Patawarin mo ako.

Sa iiwan kong kirot. Sa lahat ng gabing magkaaway tayo at hiwalay natulog. Yung papasok ka sa umagang walang imik dahil ayaw mong may masabing hindi maganda. Lahat ng pagbabanta natin ng hiwalayan. Mga nakaligtaan kong anibersaryo–nung sinabi mong wala akong pakialam o kaya siguro hindi lang kita ganun kamahal. Sa mga pagkakataong wala akong ibang dahilan kundi, “nakalimutan ko.”

Napakadaya ng kapalaran. Alam kong pinangako sa isa’t isa na magkasamang tatanda. Pero hindi yata kaya ng Panahong ipagkasya sa habambuhay ang pagmamahal ko sayo, kaya siguro hanggang dito na lang. Kaya baunin mo sana sa iyong pagtanda lahat ng beses na sinabi kong mahal kita.

Dahil dadating yung araw na hindi na mapipigil ng utak ko yung dapat nitong malimutan. Lahat ng taong mahal ko, magiging estranghero. At ikaw. Tayo. Magiging anino na lang ng lumilinaw na kawalan. Ng walang hanggang pagbalik sa simula.

Dadating yung panahon na para kang sinasampal tuwing tatanungin kita kung sino ka. Kung bakit mo ako tinitingnan nang ganyan. Bakit mo kailangan hawakan ang kamay ko? Sino ka ba sa buhay ko?

Dadating yung oras na hindi na kita maaalala. Lahat ng pinagsamahan natin unti-unting mawawala. Isa-isa. Mga litratong pinira-piraso ng pwersadong paglimot.

Kaya bago ko makalimutan kung sino tayo sa isa’t isa. Habang kaya ko pa, sasabihin ko paulit-ulit. Naaalala kita. Naaalala kita. Naaalala kita.

Naaalala mo ba yung unang beses na sinabi mong mahal mo ako? Nagbiro ka pang araw-araw mong ipapaalala ‘to at baka makalimutan ko.

Umaasa akong tutupad ka sa pangako. Kahit na araw-araw unang beses sa pandinig ko lahat ng sasabihin mo.

Good Mourning

When I go, I imagine it would hurt
But not like the hurt you felt when
You fell off your bike and skinned your knee
It would hurt like that time you found out
From someone else
That your mother had left for good

Like something heavy dropped on your chest
And you couldn’t breathe
Paralyzed from shock to even cry
But sometimes, there is no explanation given
When people or feelings die

Do not fall into the cracks of my shattered mind
There is no light down there
It isn’t always the case
Sometimes, relationships and people simply end

When I go, I imagine it would be the end
I wouldn’t live on through my poems
No one likes to dwell in someone else’s sadness
My book will have ended before it begins

Don’t start reading too much into my poems
There is no between the lines
I never intended to hide in metaphors
My pain has always been in plain sight

It has always been an extension of me
I clung to it even during my dark times
Weirdly comforted that it wouldn’t leave me
When everybody else already did

When I go, I imagine it would rain
Because the sky couldn’t hold in its tears
When another one of its children
Decided it was too crowded down here

I imagine it would be fast
Life has already been too slow
We’ve all been too lazy to let go
And anyway, nothing ever lasts

And I imagine it would be ugly
Beauty never resides in rotting shells
I imagine the world would stay like this
Looking at me, but barely understanding

Simula

Ngayong gabi, nakasilip ang mga tala at nakatingin sayo, marahil nag-iisip kung paanong may tumalo sa pagningning nila at heto–

Nakatingin din ako sa mga mata mo, at ikaw sa akin, binibilang ang bawat segundong paparating sa sandaling alam natin at matagal hinintay.

Hintay, wag tayong magmadali. Pabagalin natin ang bawat minuto, kung maaari nga’y habambuhay akong mananatili rito na ikaw lang ang kayakap.

Yakap, mahal. At kumapit nang mahigpit. Malamig ang hangin pero iinit ang gabi sa pagsiklab ng bawat tinginan nating tayo lang ang nakakaalam ng ibig sabihin. Halika, ibulong mo sa akin kung paano mo gustong magsimula.

Hindi natin sasabihin sa kanila, sikreto lang natin to. Ang bawat haplos, bawat pagtuklas sa bago kong paboritong parte ng katawan mo. Bawat paglapat ng balat natin na walang iiwanang puwang para sa kaba. Bawat panandaliang pagbitiw para lang huminga. Bawat bulong na may kasamang pag-ngiti na kahit nakapikit nadarama.

Nararamdaman mo ba? Buong-buo akong sumusuko sa’yo. Lahat ng ingay sa utak ko nilunod na ng bumibilis na pintig ng puso. Handa na akong mahulog paulit-ulit kung ikaw ang sasalo. At handa rin akong tanggapin ang kabuuan mo. Saksi ang mga bituin sa kalangitang nakapaloob sa sarili nating mundo.

Ang mga kamay mo, labi, buhok na magulo at nakahalik sa unan simula pa kanina–binubuo nila ang mundo ko. Wala akong maramdamang iba kundi ligaya. At habang nakapulupot sa isa’t isa–mula katawan hanggang kaluluwa–susubukin nating alamin kung kayang lumikha ng panibagong konstelasyon sa kalawakang binubuo lang nating dalawa. Balewala kung nasaan tayo at ang maliit na espasyong nagbubukod sa atin mula sa napakalaking karagatan ng ibang tao.

At sa wakas nakarating din tayo. Ngayon. Dito.

Ngayong gabi, ililigtas natin ang isa’t isa mula sa kawalan. Tayo ang gagawa ng sarili nating tadhana. At sasabog ang mga tala sa paghabol sa liwanag na tayo lang ang may dala.

Kapit. Nakawala na tayo sa gapos ng pag-aalinlangan. Hindi na tayo hawak ng takot. Dahil ngayong gabi, nakasilip ang mga tala at nakatingin sa atin, naiinggit kung paanong ang pagsasama natin ay tumalo sa kanilang pagningning.