Monster

There is a special kind of monster that lurks in the hearts of those left behind.

This one doesn’t keep me up until 3 in the morning because I’m already used to that, the odd sense of peace when the world is quiet.

But it paralyzes me in the most ordinary situations. Somehow I will find myself in bed at noon and feel invisible roots digging through my heart, making their way to all corners of my room, and I will realize I won’t be able to move for days and can’t explain exactly why.

When I stare at my ceiling, my mind will automatically flash a montage of where I could have gone wrong, which move I miscalculated. Did I seem too eager? Was it too much for him? Did I not give him enough space? But I argue, “I was ready to give him the entire universe, so how could he have had too little space?”

I never like talking about this particular brand of hurt. It seems unnecessary to dwell in it. It’s a maze of emotions I’ve gone through before. No matter how many ways I ask why he didn’t choose me, it will always lead to the same answer. There is not a diplomatic way of unloving someone.

But I have to get up from my bed at some point, try to wrestle through the roots, learn how to say it’s not my fault over and over until it doesn’t feel heavy anymore.

I will have to paint over the unanswered questions I see on my ceiling, maybe draw a few flowers instead so I can look at something pretty when I question myself.

I can pretend this monster doesn’t scare me. I can storm off from everything with all the willpower I can muster, but it still won’t matter then. I had only myself all this time. It had been only my heart.

And you. They will never know who you are. You will just be another pronoun in a poem I tried my hardest to brave through writing.

Because here’s the funny thing about this kind of heartbreak. Nothing technically ended. Because you were never there to begin with.

Sayaw

I.
Ang ibig kong sabihin
Limang oras ko nang
Sinusubukang magkabisa
Ng mga linya
At kung paano sisimulan

Pero nakakaloko yang mga ngiti mo
Ayan tuloy
Naninigas ako sa pagkakatayo
Pero nanlalambot yung tuhod ko

At kasabay ng paglapit ko sa ‘yo
Yung unti-unting pag-urong naman
Ng dila ko

Putangina! Sabi nila madali lang ‘to!
Pero paano ko ipagkakasya
Sa iilang salita, at ipaliliwanag
Yung lalim ng pagkahulog ko sa ‘yo?

II.
Alam mo?
Siguro hindi pa ngayong gabi
Yung tamang pagkakataon
Na hayaan ko ang sariling
Magkamali

Marami pa naman akong oras
Para mag-isip
…nang mag-isip,
Nang mag-isip
Nang mag-isip!
Ng mga paraan
Kung paano mo ako sasaktan
Hanggang maisipan
Mo akong iwanan

III.
Pero sa kabilang banda
Wala naman akong mapapala
Kung parati na lang akong
Pangungunahan ng kaba, ‘di ba?
At kung nasanay man akong
Isilid sa baul ang puso
At ikandado ito
Kasama ng mga pangarap ko
Para ko na ring
Minadali ang pagkatalo

Kaya ngayon, andito ako
Nakikipagkarera sa mga
Alinlangan ko
Umaasang mauunahan sila
At mananalo
Kahit ngayong gabi lang

At sana masabi ko

Nga pala, gusto kita.

Labas naman tayo.